Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
