Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are leaves in my underwear?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
