So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
