Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
