Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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