quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
