its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
