i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
