just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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