I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
