I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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