My friends, they love my intelligence
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
