Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
