my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
