I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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