I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize