I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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