Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
