well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
