if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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