Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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