I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
