just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
