you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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