All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
