Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.