Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He shit in the fireplace
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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