I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
