i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
