i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
