I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
