I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
