you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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