I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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