She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
