remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
