just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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