Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
