why didn't you poke me back
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
