i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
