If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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