whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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