Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
