so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
