There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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