i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I stole a fireplace last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
