You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You were trust falling into bushes
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
