Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
