Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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