Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
