yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There's always time for handjobs
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
