FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
