You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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