i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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