at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
