the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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