awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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