he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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