I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
