FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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