Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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