I'm gonna have a badass scar
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
