I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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