No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
