Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
