Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
