Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can't turn off my feet"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
