If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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