So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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