I'd wear matching sweaters with you
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
